Day 24

Sunday, September 24, 2023

Ward A. Montgomery Park

Sometimes I feel how my mom did: sometimes I can understand where she was coming from on her moody days. You think about the important people in your life and how grateful you are for them. You plan things to do for them to make them happy, things like Christmas cards, anniversary gifts, picnics, or dinners, then your planning is interrupted by a voice in your head that reminds you of disappointments passed; when you did something for someone and they didn't appreciate it as much as you thought they would or when someone wasn’t as excited to celebrate as you were. You start to doubt yourself and your plans, maybe even wonder if you’re really doing it for them at all.

You can start to feel frustrated; frustrated at yourself for being selfish, frustrated with the people in your life. You may start to question your decisions, maybe even feel regret. I know these thoughts and feelings, and I can see how she reacted the way that she did sometimes. It’s a battle between wanting to love and not wanting that same love used against you for another disappointment.

Having a heart full of love can be great but it isn’t always easy. You have to remember the joy you feel when you give. Maybe the reaction or the ending isn’t always what you want or what you pictured, but the joy and love you felt for that person in that moment was, and really, what’s more important?